Notice of revocation of independence
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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the
suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up vocabulary.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like"and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football.
There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware
that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that
no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby
sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut
and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as
American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,
with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose
product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the
suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up vocabulary.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like"and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football.
There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware
that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that
no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby
sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut
and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as
American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,
with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose
product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Noerknhar
Gesperrt
looool 
das nenn ich mal genial...nimms dir zu herzen
das nenn ich mal genial...nimms dir zu herzen
Dhamster
Grand Admiral Special
rrrrischdisch
Aber, da sind noch einige Punkte mehr drin, die gut sind: Who killed JFK?
Aber, da sind noch einige Punkte mehr drin, die gut sind: Who killed JFK?
SlurmMcKenzie
Grand Admiral Special
Aber echt, was die Amis da mit Red Dwarf gemacht haben war echt nimmer feierlich 
John Cleese ist einfach super
Ömi
Admiral Special
Wo er Recht hat hat er Recht!
![[ApoC]](/data/avatars/m/11/11503.jpg?1596828194){kind=avatar}
[ApoC]
Admiral Special
Hehe
Daumen hoch für Leistung sag ich da.
Nur Tony Blair hätte ihre Majetät gleich in die Kolonie in Übersee
versetzen sollen. Der kann doch mit den Amis schon so gut ....
[ApoC]
Daumen hoch für Leistung sag ich da.
Nur Tony Blair hätte ihre Majetät gleich in die Kolonie in Übersee
versetzen sollen. Der kann doch mit den Amis schon so gut ....
[ApoC]
